Today’s church service truly hit a chord in my shattered spirit.
Today’s message was amazing and something I have struggled with most of my life. Being a people pleaser and worrying what other’s think about me. Not just worrying; I was obsessed. If someone didn’t look. What was wrong with me? Was I unattractive? If someone looked to long. What was wrong with me? Did I have something in my teeth? There was no happy medium with me. I analyzed every look; every comment.
This year has been a HUGE growing experience for me in this area. I no longer play the role of the chameleon who changes her colors depending on the company I keep. Then again; I keep much better company these days so I don’t really have to. Cutting the umbilical cord of the relationships that are not conductive to spiritual growth and moving forward isn’t easy, but it is worth it.
Actually cutting the umbilical cord is both emotionally and physically painful. I think all humans want to be excepted and loved. I just think we sometimes look in places that will only lead to failure. Whether it is friends or family if they are not bringing out the best in you, they probably aren’t the best for you.
The struggle to not be concerned about what others are saying or thinking about me is still real, but not as much in the forefront as it once was. Especially the opinions of those who are still stuck in a past that can’t be changed. I prefer to look to the future and be thankful for all the blessings I have received.
What do I mean by the above? I was not always a Christian, and I didn’t always make the smartest decisions. Actually there was a time in my life after my divorce when I wish my phone had a breathalyzer attached and wouldn’t have let me make those calls. It didn’t and I did. Don’t get me wrong. I feel horrible about those choices. I apologized, but I will not beg for forgiveness. There are those who feel quiet comfortable bringing it all back up every time I disagree with them, or have a bad day. “Oh, she’s at it again.” No, I just don’t agree with you. There is a difference.
Until recently I would finally give in. I apologized for something I didn’t do and hoped to keep the peace even though I felt defeated. Today I simply smile and keep on keeping on. I work out or meditate. I blog. I paint, draw, photograph, read, dream, hike or fish. I don’t wait for others to tell me who I am, how I am or what I am. Nobody has that power.
I would like to point out that this is not said with bitterness or anger. Those are destructive. I say this because as a believer I believe that God has forgiven me. I have turned my life over to God and believe that he has the power to heal all the things that this world can’t. He has the power to fill in the empty spaces that a family who isn’t there can’t.
What once was can only be again if that is how you choose it.
I have also come to the solemn conclusion that my pastor is a nut!
I can only shake my head sometimes, but he does get the point across. I am still laughing to myself even as I write this
With the new frame of mind I don’t need to change who I am to make people like me. I like me enough and the people in my life feel I am pretty okay too 🙂