Daily Prompt: Discover
Three months shy of fifty and I am realizing that I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Anybody who has ever been in a long term abusive relationship will be able to identify with the loss of identity. For many years I was told what I could and could not do. Who I could and could not hang out with. What I could and could not wear. I went from being this slightly crazy, super artistic, eclectic, silly, optimistic woman, to a shadow form of myself. I gave up all my gifts in an attempt to make peace with the unpredictable man I had married. I lost me.
I am trying to learn to rediscover myself. It isn’t quite as easy as I thought it would be. I still love all my artistic pursuits. I majored in art and writing in college with a minor in psychology, but all my art was tossed away. Not by my own hands. I was told that I had no talent and wasn’t smart enough to pursue a career that required thinking.
I am several years out of that relationship and with time and therapy I am closer to the real me than I have been in many years. It is time for me to discover what I am now. I love photography, but doubt my abilities. I dabble in artistic pursuits, but doubt my abilities. I dabble in blogging, but oftentimes the words elude me and I feel that I am babbling more than sharing. I do love blogging though. Nobody in my family knows that I have a blog so here I am truly free to express myself without worry.
In less than six months our youngest child will graduate from High School and I will be truly and completely free from the man who twenty years ago began the slow, painstaking process of trying to destroy the woman he married. I have discovered in myself a strength I never knew I possessed. I was only bent, but never broken. I may not be who I was, but I am in many ways a better person. I have patience. I have love. I have dreams. I have faith. Most importantly I have hope. It keeps me going every day.
On this rainy Christmas Eve morning I saw the word discover and it opened my mind to the fact that for the next two weeks I am free from work and can use this time to discover me. It is a singularly scary thought, but also exciting and wondrous. During my years of marriage to Jad time stood still. I couldn’t move forward and I couldn’t go back. I was stuck between the girl I was and the woman I should have become. Without the ability to make my own choices for so long I was at a loss when I finally found myself free of the chains.
I think the new knowledge that in less than a year I will not need to have any contact at all with him has truly set me free. I am sure one day we will have to be face to face when our boys decide to marry, or have children. The hope is that by that point I will be comfortably in a place where he will no longer have the power to cause any doubt in my psyche.
This seems like such a dark topic on the day before Christmas. That was not my intent.
Soon I will be running out for some last minute shopping. I am making my famous rum cookies and trying to make a chocolate crepe cake that looks simply decadent!! One last gift to buy for my grandson, church and then quietly relaxing until the chaos begins tomorrow.
It is my sincere wish that you all have a wonderful Christmas filled with love.