So far this year is not starting out the way I had hoped. I have been so tempted to just throw in the towel. All this excess stress has set my Fibromyalgia into over drive. Of course this week we are doing inventory at work which means standing and lifting for nine hours a day. I don’t want to sound like I am whining, although I probably am I just can’t seem to catch a break.
For so many years I have lived in this shell that looks like me, talks like me, but doesn’t feel like me. I thought that once Jad and I were divorced I would be able to move on and start living a normal life. I didn’t take into consideration that he would spend the last ten years he would torment me through our children. This man has had a girlfriend for all these years. He owns a house, two cars, two motorcycles and makes a six figure income. I live a simple life. I don’t have much, but I have been okay with that because I have worked very hard for everything I have. He can’t seem to stop himself from trying to destroy what little I have.
How ironic. I turned on the television while I was writing this for background noise and there is a show on about women who have died as a result of domestic violence. A gentle reminder that no matter how bad it was or still is, I am alive and able to write this blog. I have to believe that in June when our youngest graduates this will all be behind me. There will not be any hold on me any longer.
In case you are thinking, as some do, that he shouldn’t have any control now. I live and breathe for my children. He uses the children like pawns in his own private game and if I stand up to him. They pay. He can’t hit them anymore, but he threatens to sell their cars, not follow through on promises he makes to them. He is all about the control and keeping a tight grip on all of us.
I feel like I am walking on a tight rope. I just want this next six months to be over. I need to believe that this is really the end and yet I can’t stop the thought that somehow, someway he will not let it go. He has had this grip on us for so long. What is he going to do without me to torture?
Well it is not going to do me any good to dwell on it.
Tomorrow is going to be another long day of counting locks. Hopefully I will be able to work all this out in my head.