Journal / The Daily Prompt

When Everything Collides

Daily Prompt: Devastation

There has been a theme to my life lately.  In church Pastor Steve has been talking about the things that hold us back in life and keep us from being all that God wants us to be.  Things like bitterness, and being offended.  Holding on to anger and not forgiving.  I really believed that I had moved past this in my life, but that just hasn’t been the case.

I know my heart has been filled with bitterness, but recently someone said to me, “You are always angry.”  I was like, “What?  Me?”  He said maybe not angry, but not truly happy and that I had a tendency to concentrate on the negatives.  This really and truly crushed me and yet upon reflection I couldn’t deny how often I complain about my job, the weather, my siblings, my lack of money, or my aches and pains.

Yes, my job is driving me crazy but the truth is I haven’t been filling out applications and putting anything into changing my situation.  I have a million unfinished projects and feeling sorry for myself seems to take up a lot of my time.  Just yesterday I finally began looking around and seeing all the potential jobs available to me.  It is fear of failure that has kept me where I am.  Being angry isn’t going to resolve anything.  It is just going to make it harder for me to move on because I have had this “I don’t give a crap anymore attitude.”  Not the place I want to be.

Tonight I went to see my Aunt Peggy.  She has been put on Hospice and her time here with us is limited.  I don’t really know Aunt Peggy very well.  It was brought home just how fractured our family is tonight and it also opened my eyes to how certain attitudes and beliefs are passed down and they just sort of sneak into our psyche and become a part of who we are.

She doesn’t know what is going on.  She was talking to me about going shopping and the things she had to do when she went home.  I listened and laughed and my heart broke.  She talked for three hours about various things, but a pattern emerged in her broken memories.  Heartbreak and siblings who shut you out.  Our family has been like that for so very long, but I saw what the anger and bitterness has created in my aunt.  The pain and the inability to forgive.  She is taking all that with her.

I don’t want to be that person.  I don’t want to be angry and bitter and unforgiving at the end of my life.  I know it can’t happen overnight, but over the past few days, even before tonight’s visit, I have forced myself to be more positive regardless of the chaos surrounding me.  I know I have to forgive.  I keep praying for a forgiving heart.  Not because I think the two people involved will be affected, but because I will be.

As I close this entry I can’t help but to be thankful that I still have a chance to change, to not grow old holding on to every hurt and real or perceived slight.

I am changing my story.

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